Mystery Date #3 made its first appearance in June 1995.

As any zine editor will tell you, one of the primary pleasures of self-publishing is the joy of a full mailbox. I feel I've been exceptionally lucky in this regard, having been the recipient of many marvelous items. In response to MD #1, I received a videotape full of 40s-50s educational films from Miss Pinbot of Bishop, Georgia. Where she found these gems, I know not, but my life has been inestimably enriched, not to mention my manners improved, by viewing this tape. So, join me please, dear readers, for

A Mystery Date Film Festival
Lynn Peril © 1995

Dating Dos and Don'ts, Coronet Films. I couldn't quite make out the date, but my guess is that it's from the late 1940s.

You may have seen this one on "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" -- so I'll try to keep my smart ass comments to a minimum. This is the story of Woody, who receives a ticket to the "Hi-Teen Carnival" from his pal who's unable to attend. The ticket is marked "Admit One Couple" which leads Woody to dopily reflect, "That means a date." Why, yes, Woody, it does, and this film goes on to tell how to choose a date, how to ask her, and most importantly, how to say goodnight. This is my favorite part of the film, as we see three different ways of saying goodnight. First, Woody, no doubt hopped up by all the phallic-shaped balloons decorating the set of the Hi-Teen Carnival, grabs Anne, who is aghast at his ungentlemanly behavior. Another possibility is portrayed when Woody walks Anne up to her door, looks her in the eye, and says, "Well, so long!" and walks off as the narrator intones, "Just like that!" Finally, of course, we get to see the right way -- "Gee, Anne, I had a great time, blah, blah, blah." This film was also used in an SCTV segment featuring the wonderful Dr. Cheryl Kinsey.

Social-Sex Attitudes in Adolescence, McGraw Hill Text Films, 1953.

I think this was made for showing to parents at PTA meetings. It tells the story of Mary and Bob, two teens whom we see getting married at the beginning of the film, which then goes into flashback to explain just how their parents (i.e. mothers) told them about sex. The fifties was the decade of early marriage, and this film seems to want to reassure parents that teen marriages could work, if parents raised their children correctly. This means telling them about sex early and honestly. Of course, Bob and Mary go through some rough times. Mary reaches puberty at about 12-1/2, the narrator tells us, and she develops a "sudden, strong friendship" with Lucille Williams. "It seemed unnatural" to Mary's mother, but the narrator tells us it's all OK. Mary's next crush is on the senior girls' tennis champ (we see Mary cutting out newspaper clippings for her scrapbook) -- but not to worry! Before you know it Mary's forgotten all about girls and has a crush on a real man -- the captain of the school football team. Bob's interests, we learn, "are mainly masculine," which means he likes to smoke and drink in the backseat with wild girls when not playing football. "It's all natural" is this film's message to parents -- don't panic. And, indeed, before you know it, Bob and Mary are legally wed and happy to have saved themselves for their wedding night. It is unknown if McGraw Hill followed up with a sequel as Bob and Mary hit their 30s in the midst of the swinging sixties.

Are You Popular? Coronet Films, 1947.

"Popularity," our narrator asks, "what is it made of?" The answer for girls seems to be that if you always look nice, don't park or pet, and make your date "feel important," you'll be as well liked as Carolyn Ames. Carolyn is rewarded by a date with doofy-looking Wally. Rather than going to a movie and then to Teen Town, Carolyn and Wally go "with the gang to a skating party and weenie roast." Carolyn and her mom make sure Wally knows he's invited in for brownies and milk after skating, as this is "one way a girl can repay a boy for entertaining her." No mention of other, more interesting, ways. Why is Carolyn going ice-skating with her legs bare?

As Others See Us, Social Science Films, "with the cooperation of Webster Grove High School," probably early 50s.

Basically an etiquette film -- how to properly use your knife and fork, how "popular girls devote themselves to pleasant conversation." I think the local dairy counsel had something to do with this film, as in the midst of a discussion of rudimentary nutrition we are informed that "milk heads the list of favorite foods for lunch time or any time for real refreshment." Some great fifties prom dress fashions. Looks like the Webster Grove High School in St. Louis, Missouri was segregated as the faces are white, white, white.

What To Do On A Date, Coronet Films, 1951(?).

The one and only Evelyn Millis Duvall, author of Facts of Life and Love for Teenagers and a million other teen dating and advice books is listed as an advisor to this project. This, and the other films on this tape, are a reminder of a time when boys were expected to both plan and pay for dating, while girls helplessly waited by the phone. WTDOAD features Nick Baxter, who "has a real dating problem." He has a crush on Kay, but he can't figure out where to go or what to do on a date. Luckily Nick's pal Jeff is around to suggest that Nick ask Kay to help out down at the Scavenger Sale. Nick is shocked when Kay agrees that this is a suitable date. The moral here is that group dates are the best, particularly those that don't cost a lot of money. As Nick and Kay rhapsodize at the end of the film:

N: I thought all girls wanted fellows to take them fancy places and spent lots of money.
K: Not this girl.
N: You know, I sort of like things like this too.
K: Ohh, and miniature golf . . .
N: . . . and weenie roasts and square dances . . .
K: . . . and baseball games and taffy pulls - I think they're swell.

Oh, brother. Just wait 'til he starts asking you to pay, sister. Based on the emphasis on group dating and weenie roasts, as well as Nick's resemblance to Wally, I think this is a sequel to Are You Popular.

Boy With a Knife, Dudley Pictures Co., late 40s/early 50s.

All right, now we enter the juvenile delinquency portion of our program! Narrated by Richard Widmark, this one features Chuck Connors as Brad Williams, youth counselor. He takes on a group of young troublemakers, including Joe Martin, who "has hardly ever seen his mother sober," and Harry Jackson, who "gets too much spending money and not enough attention." But it's switchblade-toting Jerry Phillips who is the featured delinquent. Jerry's dad is an ineffectual milquetoast and his stepmother an evil bitch. Jerry, of course, acts out with his knife. The film shows Brad as he slowly works his way into the confidence of the little hellions, eventually enticing them to the "clubhouse," where Cliffie Stone's "Barracuda" blares on the turntable. The narration is mainly of the second-person "you try this, and then you try that" variety, which can be a wee bit wearing. The climactic scene comes as Jerry goes berserk, slicing up the family couch with his blade. Jerry's dad, in particular, is shocked to see his son with a knife. "That's Jerry's . . . equalizer, Mr. Phillips," sez Brad, who suddenly appears in the living room with the rest of Jerry's "club", the Regals. Of course, this is just the thing to alert Dad to Jerry's need for attention, and everybody lives happily ever after, Jerry having given his knife to Brad. Having recently seen Chuck Connor's early homosexual porno loop and Boys Beware (see below), I have a hard time not smirking when Brad tells the guys he'll pick them up after school and take them to the ball game where "we can have hot dogs and stuff."

Boys Beware, Sid Davis Productions, produced in cooperation with the Inglewood Police Department and Inglewood Unified School District, early-mid 1960s.

This is an AMAZING film. One day Jimmy hitchhikes home from the park. He is picked up by Ralph. During the drive, they engage in pleasant conversation, and Ralph gives Jimmy "a friendly pat" as he gets out of the car. Ralph tells Jimmy he'll see him again, as he always drives past the park on his way home from work. Sure enough, the next day Ralph picks Jimmy up again. This time they stop for a coke, and Ralph tells some "off color stories." Jimmy's heard stories like these before, so he doesn't think too much about it. They go fishing the next Saturday. Jimmy has a great time, and when Ralph shows him some pornographic pictures, he's curious even though he knows he shouldn't look. At this point, our narrator chimes in: "Ralph was sick, with a sickness that was not visible like smallpox, but was no less dangerous and contagious, a sickness of the mind. . . . Ralph was a homosexual, a person that demands an intimate relationship with members of the same sex." Jimmy keeps seeing Ralph, but Ralph demands "payment." We see them climbing the motel stairs together. Jimmy tells his parents, Ralph is arrested and Jimmy is given probation and released to the custody of his parents. INCREDIBLE. Think about it -- first we are told that homosexuals are predatory and that homosexuality is contagious, and then we find out that Jimmy is given probation after being molested!!!! The film goes on, telling the story of Mike Merritt, who gets in a stranger's car, and "trades his life for a newspaper headline." Be careful, boys, for "one never knows when the homosexual is about, he may appear normal." After seeing this film, I realize that I've been naive about how deep and vicious American homophobia can be. Mind-blowing.

Why Vandalism? Encyclopedia Britannica. 1950s.

This film takes the psychoanalytic viewpoint that vandalism is "an outward expression of feelings that have become twisted and warped in an unfriendly world." Once again, poor parenting is the problem. Jeff Turner is a loner, outwardly normal, but "inside he's eaten away with resentment and a desperate need to get even." He does love the white rabbit in the science room, however, and talks his cohorts into breaking into the school one night to check on it. Of course, they proceed to trash the room, a fire starts and -- what else? -- the bunny dies. Oh, yeah, Jeff and the others get sent to jail.

Who's Delinquent? RKO Pathe, 1948.

Grantwood (get it?) appears to be an all American town, but juvenile crime is rising, and young people are frequenting "outlying honky-tonks." Old Man Everhart, editor of the local paper, begins an editorial crusade after a cop is run over by two teen car thieves. Our attractive narrator is one of the reporters on the crime beat , of course. My tape runs out before the film ends, but early on it's up on a soapbox about overcrowding in schools.

So ends the Pinbot tape, but luckily I have another videotape full of similar material from the late 60s and 70s. This one is called Pink Slip [alas, it appears this is no longer available - Ed.] .... Pink Slip concentrates on material aimed at girls, the kind of stuff that was "off limits to boys and girls could only see them with a pink slip signed by their parents." I can hear you all salivating now, so let me walk you through it:

Clip number one is where we learn all about "menstrooation" as the narrator pronounces it. With sensitive flute music playing in the background, we see line drawings of eggs barrelling through fallopian tubes and into that "special place" in the body where babies grow. But since this is a film produced by a firm that manufactures sanitary products, it doesn't stay there for long! Soon we're learning all about "what happens to the menstrual flow when it leaves the body" and all the different products available to sop it up. Judging by the hair and clothing styles, my guess is that this film is from the early 70s -- in fact, I may have seen this in the sixth grade. (Alpha Blue Archive's David Naylor was kind enough to send me a list of Pink Slip's film titles and dates -- but can I find it now that I need it??) The film also features girls "candid" comments about menstruation -- playing down cramping and inconvenience of course. I like it when the narrator appears on screen to say "I used to dream of being an actress but being is better than dreaming," as if Stanislavski got his start in hygiene films.

Clip number two was intended, I'm sure, to be anti-smoking propaganda. Instead it comes across as a "how to" film. Straight-arrow Meg goes to "the city" to visit her wild girl cousin. Julie smokes, wears make up, has boobs and a bad attitude. Judging from her UFO corduroy overalls, I think I was in junior high school at the same time. Within minutes of her arrival, mousy Meg is smoking a butt like a pro thanks to Julie's expert tutelage. "Don't pinch it like that, everybody will think it's marijuana," she tells Meg as they practice sophisticated smoking poses in front of the mirror. Later they sneak out to a teen booze party in the park, having swiped dad's vodka from the basement rumpus room.

Next up is a film clip about how girls need to be "aware of the real danger of sexual abuse by adults." Yow. This one is kinda scary. Judy gets offed by a pervert who answers her babysitting service ad. Maria almost gets raped by Larry, an adult with an M.O. curiously similar to Ralph's in Boys Beware, right down to the type of motel room/apartment he lives in. Creepy.

I fast-fowarded through much of clip number four, which features a male guidance counselor meeting with depressed teen, Susan. I think you're part of the problem, bub.

Take your hand right off that remote when the next bit comes up, though. This is another "all about your period" film, but one targeting a special audience -- the mentally retarded. It features Jill, who has Downs syndrome. Jill asks Mom, Sis, Dad, and probably wants to ask the dog, too, to tell her about periods. Mom, Sis, and Dad all repeat robotically that "blood from inside a woman's body comes outside through an opening between her legs every four weeks for three or four days." Obviously, repetition is key here. But hold on to your hats, folks, as Jill follows Sis into the bathroom to see how she changes her "pad". Sis pulls down her panties, sits down on the toilet and shows Jill how she removes and disposes of the bloody pad. This is an amazing document. We're so used to flowery euphemism about menstruation that seeing something real becomes shocking. Think about all those commercials where you're not really sure what the product is, let alone does. Then compare this clip to the first film on this tape, where relentlessly happy talk about the "wonderfulness of womanhood" prevails. Jill, on the other hand, needs information and Sis provides it, clearly, graphically and more truthfully than anything I've ever seen. Wow.

Pink Slip ends with an episode of "Insight," one of those shows that I used to flip by on Sunday mornings when hoping to find some cartoons before disappointedly settling on "Davey and Goliath." This is a great episode. Sort of a hybrid of"Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" and "Go Ask Alice," if you can imagine that. Mom and Dad drive to juvenile hall to pick up their 14 year old daughter, who ran away three weeks ago. The best moment comes when blowsy, red-headed Mom loses control, screaming "Slut, slut, slut" at her daughter. "Look at me when I'm talking to you," she shrieks, turning her daughter's face towards her. "You go straight to hell," daughter sensibly replies before Mom smacks her one across the face. Ah, yes, late 60s family discord, I remember it well, albeit from the perspective of a little kid.

And with that, let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby and have ourselves a snack.